Oil of Gladness

I went to another funeral today, my fourth in just a few months. I knew that I hadn't truly mourned for my friends, Christopher and Michael or my aunt, Beth. The sorrow I am feeling is about my loss not theirs. I began experiencing a void that Christopher's death created. Beth's sudden death ripped it larger. Now with Rosie's passing I am confronting the pit that all of these deaths have opened.

Today as I listened to minister speak fervently of Rosie's loving, caring nature, I was saturated by my recent losses. Tears started running down my cheeks. The minister spoke of how Rosie's house (her physical body) had broken down and was in disrepair. Now that she was with God, she was in a new spiritual house that couldn't be destroyed or crippled. What he said was true for Rosie, for Christopher, for Beth, for Michael. All of them had bodies that failed them and couldn't support their spirits any more.

Grief is a necessary process for us humans. We all have to experience the anguish associated with death so that we can heal and become healthy again. Not dealing with pain and loss can and often does lead to depression. I know that tears and sadness are part of a necessary process.

I've experienced that deep depression from repressing my feelings. My first Christmas at MCC Lubbock Rev. Renae and a minister from United Church of Christ Lubbock led a special service for people who were feeling sad and lonely during the holidays. I was battling severe depression. With a great deal of uncertainty I went to the Blue Christmas Service expecting little from it.

The Bible verse they used was Isaiah 61:3.

3...provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair...

I had never heard this verse and was struck by the imagery of these words. At the end of the service, the two ministers administered oil on each person's forehead. For me this evening helped me acknowledge to God that I needed divine help to move past my grief.

Today as I mourn my loved ones I take comfort again from this verse and in the knowledge that God never leaves me. Eventhough I'm still sad over these losses, God has subsided the oppressiveness of my sorrow. God has again anointed me with the "oil of gladness."

A box of books

Today I went over to Gordon's house to look through Christopher's books. Gordon said I could take all that I wanted. As I filled a box with reference and spiritual books, I was struck with a sadness at the loss of my friend. This box of books is more than titles, pages, and words. It represents the mentor who embraced my desire to learn and accompanied me as my spiritual journey launched.

I met Christopher over eight years ago when I first attended to MCC Lubbock. He filled in for the full-time minister when she went on sabbatical just a few months after I started attending. Christopher led the membership class that I attended and welcomed me into the church as a member. When I was in a Bible study group taught by him, he encouraged me to step out and become a facilitator. Later he was a role model of how to lead as I worked with my own group. When I struggled with how I should minister to other people, Christopher provided me support and information. He sparked my interest in meditation helping me to listen to God, not just talk.

When Christopher died a few months ago, I felt a great loss in my heart. A few weeks earlier, he was kind enough to share the seminary recommendation that he had written for me. Reading his words, I knew that he was instrumental in my acceptance to EDS.

It feels appropriate that my professional library is started by Christopher who was instrumental in urging me forward on my spiritual journey. Each time I open one of his books I'll know that he is with me and acting as a spirit guide for me.

It's a small world

This afternoon I attended a holy union at my church. While there I met a man who earned a master's degree from Harvard Divinity School. We chatted a bit about Cambridge and he suggested that we go to lunch sometime to discuss spiritual stuff. He also gave me a couple of suggestions for some authors to check into.

What amazes me is that in Lubbock, Texas I met someone who has a connection to Cambridge. This past spring I met a man at my interfaith group who graduated from EDS and is a retired Episcopal priest in Lubbock. Really this world is very small.

The internet isn't even the thing that makes us connected. I didn't meet either of these people online. Yes the world wide web makes our world smaller, but I think what connects us and helps us make links to each other is God. If I figured the odds, they would be pretty slim that I would meet these people. However when God decides to put people together, there's no stopping the process.

The first Sunday which was Pentecost that I was in Cambridge, I went to First Church of Cambridge. Leading the choir into the sanctuary were people carrying long red streamers on poles. The metaphor of the fiery spirit flowing over the congregation was stirring and was an apt beginning for my seminary life.

Each year churches around the world celebrate when the Holy Spirit filled earlier followers of Christ.

Act 2:1-4 (NIV)
1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled
them.

The last day that I was in Massachusetts I went to an interfaith worship service for Boston Pride. Leading in the clergy was a man swirling rainbow-colored streamers attached to a long pole over our heads. The streamers floated above us much like those streamers on Pentecost.

I was struck how the two services framed my time of intense study of oppression. Just like all my Big Fish, I knew God was trying to get my attention. God was reminding me that there are still people who don't know about unconditional love and grace. These signs emphasized to me that I have a mission. That mission starts doesn't start tomorrow or in a week or when I graduate. I am to start NOW!

Filled with the Spirit

I was filling a glass with the last of the soda from a bottle. There was just a tiny bit left and I really wanted to fit it all into the glass. As it got closer and closer to the top, I was thinking, “Come on. Just a little bit more. I want it all now.” I suddenly had a thought of how overfilling a glass is how I sometimes feel about the Holy Spirit. What would happen if I as a person was being filled and I wanted it all?

In some ways I feel like I've been filled with all the wonderful things that God has given me. Is there more? What if I, like the glass, try to take more when I have already been filled? I realized that if I am filled and continue to accept more of God's grace and love, good things would overflow from me. Unlike a liquid when I overflow I don't make a mess. I actually share what I have in excess with the world.

I always have room for more understanding, more knowledge, more love, more God because when I have been filled I have extra to give. Much like warm fuzzies, hoarding what God has given me won't make all the blessings last longer. Hoarding will in fact make less of them and of me.

MORE

The Big Fish in my life started with the feeling I had that I wanted or needed more in my life. I had no idea what MORE was, but I definitely had a feeling of being stuck and needing a shove out of the mudhole in which I was mired.

I started attending a Tuesday night praise and worship service hoping that would fill the emptiness I felt. The services seemed only to make the hole feel even deeper. One evening the pastor spoke of how if someone feels that God is saying to do something, s/he should stop sitting on the fence and do what God is asking. I knew God was sending a message to me, but I was still struggling with what that really meant for me and my life.

Luckily (or it was a God moment) in January of 2008, Rev. Christopher George taught a course called "Creating a Life That Matters." This 18 week course was developed by MCC to help it's members find their calling and ministry, following the concept of ministry of all believers. I quickly discovered that this training was giving me the more I was missing.

By the time I was finished with the course, I knew that God wanted me to go back to school and develop my ministry. When I meditated, I asked God to tell me where to focus my ministry. The answer I got over and over again was "Wait." I didn't know if I need to go to seminary or one of the local colleges. Of course I had to keep asking God because what if I misunderstood what God said.

I waited through the summer and into the fall. Of course I don't mean that I sat around and did nothing. I continued to lead my Bible study group. Every opportunity that I got I preached at church. I began serving communion more often.

One day at work I was telling to a coworker and friend about my experience. Jessica said to me that she had known that I was feeling a calling for God. As soon as she started speaking, I knew that God wanted me to work with families and MCC to develop stronger, better relationships. I wasn't waiting any more. I also had the distinct feeling that I needed to get my master's in divinity which meant looking into programs in other cities and states.

Since January of '08, I haven't been craving MORE because God has been providing me with the guidance and stimulation that I was missing. I think each of us feel God trying to move us toward where we need to go. Sometimes God wants us to become more active in our spiritual home. Sometimes God is telling us to stop sleeping late on Sundays and get our butt to church. Sometimes God wants us to study and learn more by reading the Bible, the Koran, and other spiritual texts. The only way I can honor God is to follow the call that is placed on my heart.

God's Moving Me!

When Jason and deMarco visited my church in January, they talked about their move from California to Houston. One of them said that when God tells you that you're going somewhere, you'd better have your bags packed 'cause the move is coming quick. I knew God was telling me that changes were coming. Several months later I've packed my bags and God has moved me forward in my education.



I can't believe what an impact EDS has already had on me. My mind has stretched to consider what ministry can mean to anyone and everyone. I've met a great group of people who have helped push me to grow. James challenged me not to hide behind humor. I need to speak my truth without apology by backing off with humor. I knew when James said that to me that he had hit upon something that I hadn't acknowledged.