Monster Outside the Closet Door

Many of my childhood nightmares remain fresh and clear in my mind. A significant one for this time of year deals with tornadoes. I run through my house being chased by a great monster. I hide in the back of my mother's closet, trying to control my gasping breath. The monster in the form of a tornado searches for me. I am by myself. No one is available. I am alone. Although I am hidden behind Mom's closet door, I am able in my dream state to see what is going on outside of the closet. I am hyperventilating as it heads toward their bathroom and thus toward their closets. The monster is going to find me....

Yesterday was the 40th anniversary of the F5 tornado that almost destroyed Lubbock and the beginning of this nightmare of mine. Every year the media inundates Lubbockites with memories of these events from 1970. The town seems to be unable to let these memories go. As much as I groan and roll my eyes during this time, I also hang onto this 40-year-old event.

In May of 1970, I was two-years-old. My family's farms were 40 miles northeast of Lubbock and we had more time to get to safety than most of the Lubbock citizens had. I remember sitting on the blue-striped mattress in my great-grandmother's dark cellar. Lantern light barely touched the surrounding area and didn't quite reach the corners. My brother, David, and I clung to each other on the cot as the adults clustered together discussing the frightening event. Granny, my great-grandmother, wanted to see what was going and kept running up the narrow staircase. Grandpa, her son, would chase after her trying to get her to come back downstairs. Finally Daddy would usher them both back downstairs. A few minutes later the whole scenario would happen again.

As was common for me in times of anxiety, I sat in silence observing all the commotion around me. Except for David, I felt like I was floating alone in the ocean. A great distance of water separated us from the safety of family and grown ups. The tornado in my young mind was a monster that was strong enough to frighten adults and therefore could crush me with its mighty fist. How could I not be terrified?

Until I reached late adolescence, I had many nightmares in addition to the tornado monster and in most of them I was alone and separated from my parents. At some point in my life, I began believing that I couldn't count on anyone other than myself. My rational self realizes that this statement is very unfair to my parents and brothers. I developed this understanding separate from them through my misconceptions. This monster outside my closet door was not solely the tornado, but was in fact my feelings of isolation and abandonment. Like so many monsters, it intimidated me into silence. "Don't tell. THEY will use your fears against you. Don't give anyone power over you. No one can help you."


Sadly these anxieties have recently bubbled to the surface. I hide from the loneliness monster by putting on a brave face. As I consider the road ahead of me, I know that I cannot continue to exist behind this closet door. I struggle with the fear that I will not have the intimacy of a life partner because I remain closed off.

So today I face my fears of being alone. I face the monster that has lived outside my closet door for 40 years and I am still afraid.

Flying Away

Sometimes the responsibilities get to be too much. How can I balance what I feel called to do spiritually when I am so tired AND busy? Recently I have divested myself of some of my responsibilities at church.

I have been struggling with this feeling of too much for quite a while. I was very engrossed in taking care of everyone else and stopped taking care of myself. Finally the realization that I was feeling angry and bitter about my "duties" helped me understand that I wasn't doing anyone any good by keeping these assignments on my plate. In fact I was probably hurting a great many people because I resented my obligations.

My friend, Theresa, put it all into perspective when she was talking about what she and her spouse, Charla, were doing for their church. She said that although they had a lot of pressure on them, they knew that what they were doing was what they were called to do. They were working on their ministry. As she told me this, I realized that what I was so desperately trying to hold onto was not in fact my calling or ministry. I was no longer fed by being Worship Ministry Leader or Coordinator. When I stopped being fed, I was no longer able to feed others.

Part of this awareness is necessary because as I grow in my calling from God, I also grow from my home church. As my school advisor and friend, Julie, explained to me, I am preparing to move away from this home to make a place elsewhere. I am an adolescent preparing to fly out of the nest and I am struggling with my independence and fears of leaving the security of my home.


Some part of me does not want to leave this place that has become my shelter and comfort. MCC Lubbock became my rock when I was floating in the abyss of depression and loneliness. I want to throw myself down on the ground, kicking and screaming as a two-year-old. "NO! NO! NO! I won't leave! I won't! You can't make me!" But another part of me is craving MORE and knows that this "MORE" is found elsewhere. I have to continue preparing myself for the eventual leave-taking that must occur. With the help of my loved ones, my family, I will continue to grow until my wings are strong enough to take me somewhere else. For what has been, for what is, and for what will be, thanks be to God!