For most of my life I was lost. I did not belong anywhere and felt unbearably out of place in the world. About eight years ago this feeling became even stronger as I began to explore my sexuality and in my isolation, I became severely depressed. My therapist encouraged me to develop a support system and suggested that I try Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) Lubbock.I had qualms about going to a church because I did not consider myself a Christian and had no interest in becoming one. Although I had been raised by Christian parents who took me to Sunday school and church services, I did not understand God as a living being, but rather as stale stories told to keep me on the right side of obedience. My experience with “religious” people had me questioning what was factual. I heard about Jesus saying, “Love one another,” but I saw the people of my church not acting with love toward each other. I was told that God didn’t care what I wore or what I looked like, but I heard the leaders of my youth group complaining about the couple who came to church each week in the same dingy clothes. I saw the way none of the adults would talk to the African-American woman who came to a worship service. As I listened to the people around me, I perceived their actions and words to be those of God and I wasn’t impressed with the double standard I thought belonged to God.
To add to my childhood experiences, in college I lost a close friend. My friends before Chris were children of my parents’ friends or from my school. In contrast Chris was my first friend of choice and when she suffered a brain injury, she forgot me and our friendship. I could not understand why God would allow me to find this friend and then take her away from me. The culture of the private college I was attending kept saying that if I had enough faith, God would fix my problems. God didn’t and I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be angry at God. My disappointment added to my confusion about the double standard of God. Finally the only way that I could deal with my feelings was to stop believing that God existed or that God was of any use to me.
As an agnostic, I felt deep discomfort going to a church after more than a ten year absence. The first few times at MCC Lubbock I sat in the pew and did not sing, bow my head, or participate in any way. I could only sit and wait for these people to show me the same hateful, backstabbing God of my youth.
One Sunday, Rev. Renae preached about Elijah and how his experience on Mount Carmel left him feeling alone and lost. She said that even though Elijah felt alone, he was not because God was with him. Just as Elijah did not have to experience the ups and downs of life by himself, none of us had to be alone. We do not even have to ask because God is always there and shares our pain and loss with us.
At that moment I knew that God was actually giving me a message. Until this point, God was some callous being that floated in the clouds and had no link with me or my life. Suddenly I realized that even though I was in the deepest, darkest emotional hole, I was not alone and had never been alone. God had always been with me.
The climb out of my depression was time consuming and difficult. I believe that this moment was the turning point for me and it was all put into action by God. Several years after that first visit to MCC Lubbock, I began to understand how the Holy Spirit had put people in my life so that I could take that first step. God loved me and wanted what was best for me even when I had no clue that something bigger than me existed.
A part of my healing has been to realize that God, as my heavenly parent, loves me unconditionally. There is nothing I can do to make God love me more; and there is nothing I can do to make God stop loving me. Now that I have experienced unconditional love, I can allow others to love me and also extend love to them. I never really understood that my mom and dad loved me unconditionally until I was able to experience God’s love in this manner.
