Fear of God

    Dylan was afraid of everything. Refusing to go to church because of his fear of the Holy Ghost was not a surprise. He had no clue who or what this spirit was and wanted nothing to do with it. Because of his fears, his mom had to stay home with him as he was too young to be left by himself. Dylan acted surprised that I was unafraid of this ghost because all he knew of ghosts was that they tried to scare and hurt people.

     Although many of us do not fear the idea of "The Holy Ghost," we do fear God and spirituality.  Some of us are afraid because we don't want our lives to change and most of the time a relationship with God will change us.  What if I don't want to be what God expects of me?  I kind of like drinking or cussing or whatever we think God says I'm not allowed to do. 

   Others may fear going to church because our knowledge of God relates to that of an angry and punishing God.  Maybe Dylan had the right idea when we consider an abusive God.  What I knew of God before MCC Lubbock was that God and many Christians considered me an abomination because of my sexuality.  Who wouldn't be afraid of a god who thought that way about you?

     Of course now I understand that God is my heavenly parent and loves me unconditionally.  God is not out to "catch" me being bad like Santa Claus.  God doesn't want me to be or do good because of fear.  I'm not going to earn my way into God's graces.  God's grace is free to me.
    When I consider how frozen by fear Dylan is, I feel bad for him.  He's allowing fear to keep him away from God's love.  I pray that someday he learns that the Spirit of God is nothing to fear.

Virtual Church

Walking around Sunshine Cathedral Second Life, I felt as though I was touring a physical world church. I like the idea that I can click on a study guide and get information about a book or Bible study that will be held there. I also like that I can click on a large video screen and watch a pastor's sermon from a physical church.

The question that springs to mind is: how is this virtual church different from a church's web page? The answer comes when the church service begins. Unlike on a web page, I actually heard the short sermon presented as it was going out to the rest of the attending avatars.

As I participated in the service, I was aware that others shared this encounter with me. The service was a different experience from when I toured the church on my own. I could follow the examples of the more experienced avatars and could add amen or other responses when I desired to do so. I could have also sat and never typed/uttered a word. After the service, some of the more regular attendees spoke to me. Again I was aware that I was not alone during this time.

As Douglas Estes said in SimChurch, some people who have social anxieties find a virtual church to be a safer place to socialize and develop relationships. I can certainly see the advantage when "virtual-world interactions can be far more authentic and far less awkward than real-world relationships...." (27) In addition to those with social anxieties, those people, who are not familiar with mainstream churches, "will prefer to worship in the virtual world because of the flexibility, transparency, diversity, and other innate strengths found in most virtual churches." (28)

The experience of virtual church felt like more than if I'd been on a web page. I felt like I had been somewhere. As someone who doesn't routinely function in the virtual world, I have to say I'm not sure where I've been. If someone who is comfortable moving about Second Life, I can certainly see the appeal of attending church with others who have similar interests.

Virtual Community?

As I examine virtual worlds and avatars, I wonder if I can develop community/relationships while I am the only person in the room. This idea seems crazy when I consider how I developed the current relationships I have at MCC Lubbock. I interact in person to my friends while at church. I "pass the peace" by shaking hands and/or hugging others. Our skin touches.

In the virtual world my avatar can touch others and speak to others, but is it the same? This far-out idea (far out to this 40-something) feels foreign and unwieldy. I'm already awkward in person. In the virtual world, I'm not even sure if that person is talking to me. I don't know how to walk up and have a conversation in this world any better than I do in the physical world.

A few days before the church service at Sunshine Cathedral Second Life, I scoped it out. I tried to walk and ended up on top of a pew and later a table. I don't know how I got up there and wasn't sure how to get off of them. At that point I consoled myself that at least I was in the church on the island where I had planned to be. Earlier I had fallen into the water and took nearly 20 minutes trying to figure out how to get back on dry land.

I found myself saying "Why would anyone want to do this?" As I heard these words in my head, I thought of my dad complaining about Facebook, "Why would you tell people what you are doing and where you are doing it? That's how burglars figure out where to strike next."

...Okay, so maybe I can give this virtual thing another try. After all I have created a community on Facebook where some of my friends are across the country, some are down the street, and most I haven't seen in over a year. If I can be in community in this form, I suppose I could try to it with computer people who have wings or look like cats.

After all I am in relationship with God who is not often present in fleshly form.

Stranger at the Table

Last Sunday the guest preacher was concluding his sermon as a woman walked into church and moved to sit on the front pew. Our congregation shifted uncomfortably with knowledge that the woman was a stranger, extremely late, and dressed in old, torn clothes. A few whispers were heard as church members struggled with the idea that a stranger would walk past several empty pews to sit on the front row. Concern that she would disrupt our service was what several of us thought.

After the sermon hymn, I moved to the front so that I could consecrate the elements for Communion. I stood behind God's Table and as is the tradition at most MCCs I welcomed all who came seeking God. After distributing the elements to the other servers, I took my place as a server. The woman sat on that front row looking at me with sad eyes and I beckoned to her. She whispered, "Are you sure? I can come? I didn't know if it would be okay." This woman, Glenda, was a stranger at God's Table not because the church members didn't know her and not because God had thrown her away, but because she believed that we, as a church, and God, as divine judge, viewed her as unworthy of receiving grace.

As I began writing about the blessing I received from Glenda's presence, I realized that God was using her to speak to me. Glenda has been a recurring indicator of where God is leading my ministry and today as I write, I finally am listening to what God has to say. Glenda doesn't realized or remember that she and I have met on several previous occasions. Twice she has come to MCC Lubbock, once for a service and another time for our garage sale. Another time I ran into her at my local phone store when I was paying my bill. Each instance I clearly remember our interactions and her ever-present need for acceptance and understanding.

This week as we read and study about ministering off the beaten paths I acknowledge that Glenda is a "big fish" for me. A close friend dubbed each incident of God trying to direct me as a "big fish" and often reminds me that ignoring God's call might land me in the same predicament as Jonah faced. Over the past couple of years I have been trying my hardest to ignore that God is calling me to work outside of a mainstream church. Although I have acknowledged that I will probably be ministering to those who feel rejected by society, I have celebrated the idea that God wants me to serve those who are on the fringes of society and who may feel excluded from conventional churches.

Last Sunday as I held Glenda while she sobbed, I recognized that I not only embraced a hurting woman, but also the idea that I was made to minister to others who feel removed from God. This one opportunity wasn't terrifying or taxing. In fact I felt joy from comforting Glenda and showing her the love that God has put in each of our hearts. God has created me to welcome the stranger to the table and then sit with him or her while we eat.

Holy Week

Holy Week is such a busy time at MCC Lubbock as it is at many churches. Set up for Maundy Thursday. Set up foot washing stations. Have the service for Maundy Thursday. Clean up from Maundy Thursday. Set up for Good Friday. Have the service for Good Friday. Clean up from Good Friday. Stuff Easter eggs. Prepare Easter breakfast. Get up at 6 am. Have the sunrise service. Clean up from Easter Breakfast. Set up for Easter 11 am service. Have Easter service. Have Easter egg hunt.

Whew! Somewhere in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of this time of year, congregants are expected to find a way to undergo a tiny bit of what Jesus experienced. Sometimes we get lost in all the duties and expectations and don't take the time to feel what all the services are supposed to allow us to feel.

The Seder Meal that we celebrate every other year at MCC Lubbock is of particular significance to me. We break the matzah, the unleavened bread of bondage. Just as the Israelites were in servitude to the Pharaoh, we continued to be bound by ignorance, oppression, and fear. The bitter herbs or maror are eaten to symbolize the bitterness of slavery. We must acknowledge that as long as we prosper off of those who cannot escape poverty we are chained to our society just as the Israelites were chained to Egypt. We eat baitzah, a hard-cooked egg, that represents the cycle of birth and death. For me as a Christian the baitzah reminds me that due to Christ's death and resurrection, I have been given the gift of rebirth. The haroseth, which is made of chopped apples, nuts, and wine, signifies the mortar used with the bricks the Israelites made while enslaved by Pharaoh. The sweetness of the haroseth suggests the taste of freedom that comes to me through God's grace. Karpas, parsley or other greens, are eaten as a reminder of new growth that comes each spring. Finally four cups of wine are drunk at various parts of the meal.

Long ago, Jesus shared a similar meal in a borrowed room with his twelve disciples. He ate this symbolic meal as he prepared to be crucified. He was the lamb that was given as a sacrifice for the sins of all people. He went willingly knowing that his pain was necessary to demonstrate the grace that God offered and continues to offer. AND he knew that these events were not going to be an ending, but a beginning.

This year, will you take the time to remember the sacrifices that God made over two centuries ago? Will you stop in the craziness of eggs and chocolate and special dinners to commemorate the joy that this season represents? Like Mary Magdalene at the tomb, will you cry out to the world, "I have seen the Lord"?

Matriculation

Today the new students at EDS were matriculated. I went through the same process last June. This formal worship service not only welcomes the new students into the academic family of EDS, but also defines their commitment to study as belonging to God.

The dictionary defines the verb, matriculate, as enrolling in a college or university as a candidate for a degree. Most schools consider students to be matriculated when they start going to school. As many other religious institutions do, EDS has a religious ceremony. The act of matriculation, rooted in traditional universities such as Oxford and Cambridge, is an opportunity to recognize the new students as members of the academic community.

At EDS the students state their "desire to be enrolled ... in the Episcopal Divinity School." The returning students, along with the faculty and staff, renew that they continue to be responsible to the service of God in both ministry and life. The new students then step up and sign the book that contains the signatures of previous new students.

The service was a wonderful opportunity for me to recognize that my studies were important to God as well as to the community. If each of us as we began our work in the world had the opportunity to formally sign a book and pledge our lives to the pursuit of knowledge and justice, would we consider our work to be less of a chore and more of an endeavor? Would we approach our daily lives as adventures? Would we see the skills that we bring to the world are in fact talents blessed by God?

What a difference we could all make in the world if we considered our life works to be a blessing and promise from God!

Oh Come, Oh Come

Last Sunday was Advent Sunday, the season of preparation and waiting for the Nativity of Jesus. I was responsible for lighting the altar candles.

When I was trained to perform this duty, Jean, then the worship coordinator, explained how I could remember which candle to light first. When facing the altar, the candle on the right represents Jesus and it is always lit first. AND when extinguishing the candles, I was to relight the candle lighter off of the Christ candle and then process out of the sanctuary. I would be symbolically carrying Jesus out into the world.

As I started down the aisle with the lit candle lighter, I listened to the congregation sing, "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel."

Oh, come, oh, come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to you, O Israel!

I watched the flame as I walked. The words "the Son of God appear" struck a chord with me. Each time someone brings the flame in s/he is symbolically saying that God is present with us.

Do we have to wait for Christmas to feel like God is with us? All year long do we embrace the idea that God is with us? I'm not against Christmas. I think it can be a reminder that we are not alone and that God is with us. REJOICE! REJOICE!

MORE! again!?!

I've got a feeling that I'm supposed to be doing more. Like before I feel a dissatisfaction with the status quo. I'm struggling with feeling this huge jumpiness inside of me. When I sit in church, I know that we are not reaching people. Instead of trying to have a contemporary service we try to give a mixture of some praise music and some hymns.


God has put tremors on my heart that I need to start an alternative worship service. Can it be in/at MCC Lubbock? Our sanctuary feels so stale. Our fellowship hall is stark. I think this service could happen in our sanctuary. Should it be on Sunday night or Saturday afternoon (like Recovering the Promise)? Should it be Wednesday night? If Doorways, our young people's group, is going to only meet every other week, then we could have a service one Wednesday a month.

I can also envision a service at a coffee house. I can envision people noticing activity in the cafe and wandering in to see what's going on. I can also imagine people coming who wouldn't normally walk into a church. They wouldn't feel the pressure that they had to believe in anything to be welcomed in this service.

I believe that God has put these thoughts in my head because there are people in Lubbock who need MORE. So many GLBT people don't feel that they have a place at most churches in Lubbock. Probably many straight people have also experienced being on the outside.

What is going to happen? I don't know. I'm continuing to pray about what God wants from me and from MCC Lubbock.

Anticipation

Saturday morning was chore time when I was growing up. Mom taught us to clean the bathrooms, dust, and vacuum. David and I stripped our beds and put fresh sheets on them. We helped Mom wash and dry clothes and then fold them. Usually while we folded clothes we could watch cartoons. Mom let each of us pick one 30 minute cartoon. We could watch both programs and after the hour the TV was turned off.

Once a month or so we spent the night at Grandma's house. Of course they doted on us as many grandparents do. We were allowed to watch as many cartoons as we wanted. I remember waking up early on these mornings. David and I would turn the TV on real low and wait for the morning programing to start. We would watch the broad vertical bars with anticipation. We were in cartoon nirvana.

When we were older and my younger cousin, Stephanie, also stayed at Grandma's, I would wake Stephanie and leave her sitting on the floor in front of the screen. She had specific orders to come wake us when the cartoons started. Then I would go back to bed and sleep until the programing starts.

As an adult I don't often feel that childlike expectation. Grown-up life often becomes all about seeing life as mundane rather than looking forward to everyday activities. The most recent occasion for me to feel this anticipation and thrill is concerning this call I feel from God.

The difficulty for me is what to do when elation fades into reality. I am finding ways to continue feeling excitement in God's call. I am actively seek opportunities to praise and worship in ways that allow me to encounter God in a meaningful way. For me that often means enjoying services at locations other than my traditional church. Sometimes I have to make a point to not serve others and just receive. For several years I've made an effort to remove myself from the worship schedule a couple a Sundays a month. Sometimes I have to be able to relax and enjoy the celebration and nourishment that I can receive during worship.

Each of us have to find ways to keep that joy and excitement in our lives. When we feel this way, we are able to again find the anticipation we felt as children. Like those special Saturdays at Grandma's we are able to see the simple things in life as the wonder that God intended.

The first Sunday which was Pentecost that I was in Cambridge, I went to First Church of Cambridge. Leading the choir into the sanctuary were people carrying long red streamers on poles. The metaphor of the fiery spirit flowing over the congregation was stirring and was an apt beginning for my seminary life.

Each year churches around the world celebrate when the Holy Spirit filled earlier followers of Christ.

Act 2:1-4 (NIV)
1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting. 3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them. 4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled
them.

The last day that I was in Massachusetts I went to an interfaith worship service for Boston Pride. Leading in the clergy was a man swirling rainbow-colored streamers attached to a long pole over our heads. The streamers floated above us much like those streamers on Pentecost.

I was struck how the two services framed my time of intense study of oppression. Just like all my Big Fish, I knew God was trying to get my attention. God was reminding me that there are still people who don't know about unconditional love and grace. These signs emphasized to me that I have a mission. That mission starts doesn't start tomorrow or in a week or when I graduate. I am to start NOW!