Luxury Item

I recently delivered some children's clothes to a grandmother who is trying to raise several of her grandchildren.  In addition to the clothes, I brought her a sack of bathroom supplies.  When Abuela (grandmother in Spanish) saw the packet of toilet paper, she exclaimed, "Oh, thank you so much!  I had to ask my neighbor if I could borrow a roll because I didn't have the money to buy any."

Have you ever considered what you would do if you found yourself on disability AND had to raise your grandchildren? Food stamps, Medicare, and Medicaid doesn't pay for luxury items such as toilet paper, tooth paste or shampoo.  In addition to dealing with the fear and worry for her grandchildren and for her children, Abuela also has to think about where she will find the money to provide the "luxuries" of toiletry items. 

When I met Abuela and several other grandparents at a support group for grandparents raising grandchildren, I was introduced to people who lovingly brought their grandchildren into their homes rather than allow them to go into the foster care system.  With the reality of raising grandchildren came the realization that they would not receive financial or emotional assistance from Child Protective Services (CPS) that foster parents get.  Often trying to stretch income to provide for additional bodies is more than the grandparents can handle.  They make decisions based on what is an absolute necessity and what becomes a luxury item.

What kind of country are we living in when toilet paper becomes a luxury item?   How does one of the most prosperous countries in the world allow people to go without basic items of living?  I know that there are many people in the world who believe that public assistance is a failure, and perhaps it is.  But I cannot believe that people who live in the United States should have to do without something as basic as toilet paper.

Virtual Community?

As I examine virtual worlds and avatars, I wonder if I can develop community/relationships while I am the only person in the room. This idea seems crazy when I consider how I developed the current relationships I have at MCC Lubbock. I interact in person to my friends while at church. I "pass the peace" by shaking hands and/or hugging others. Our skin touches.

In the virtual world my avatar can touch others and speak to others, but is it the same? This far-out idea (far out to this 40-something) feels foreign and unwieldy. I'm already awkward in person. In the virtual world, I'm not even sure if that person is talking to me. I don't know how to walk up and have a conversation in this world any better than I do in the physical world.

A few days before the church service at Sunshine Cathedral Second Life, I scoped it out. I tried to walk and ended up on top of a pew and later a table. I don't know how I got up there and wasn't sure how to get off of them. At that point I consoled myself that at least I was in the church on the island where I had planned to be. Earlier I had fallen into the water and took nearly 20 minutes trying to figure out how to get back on dry land.

I found myself saying "Why would anyone want to do this?" As I heard these words in my head, I thought of my dad complaining about Facebook, "Why would you tell people what you are doing and where you are doing it? That's how burglars figure out where to strike next."

...Okay, so maybe I can give this virtual thing another try. After all I have created a community on Facebook where some of my friends are across the country, some are down the street, and most I haven't seen in over a year. If I can be in community in this form, I suppose I could try to it with computer people who have wings or look like cats.

After all I am in relationship with God who is not often present in fleshly form.

Sharing the Faith

My class project on evangelism had not gone the way I expected. In fact it would be more accurate to say that I really didn't feel have a project. AND I was flying to Boston for my class where I was expected to have a project. At the airport I said a small prayer to God. I asked that I be given an opportunity to talk about faith with someone along my journey.

On the final leg of my flight, I turned off my Kindle when the flight attendant announced that all electronic devices had to be put away. The man next to me said, “So... how do you like your Kindle?” For a few minutes we talked about the merits of electronic readers as opposed to the traditional paper book. Our conversation continued from there.

Back and forth we asked questions of each other and expressed our experiences with work, life and eventually faith. Although my seatmate didn't categorize himself as Christian, he was concerned that his friends who were Christians didn't seem to do anything with their faith. He talked about how he was disappointed that they didn't feel the need to do any more than sit in a pew on Sunday. As we talked, I heard how he thought believing would bring more changes in their lives. Ultimately the man wondered what good was God if a person wasn't changed by the relationship.

Taking the opening he gave me, I described how lonely and isolated I had felt before I began cultivating my relationship with God. I shared my relief in knowing that I was not alone and that God understood everything that I felt. Although the man did not suddenly embrace God and Christ, we had a conversation that was an opportunity for both of us to share our stories.

At the end of the flight, I knew that I not only had a project, but also rejuvenated faith that God answers prayers. I learned that part of sharing faith is not trying to force the issue, like trying to make a project happen. But rather it is about having conversations with individuals.

Child's Excitement

I was in the cafeteria at school getting my lunch. For some reason instead of the usual separate plastic utensils, a wrapped spork, napkin, and straw were provided. As I walked past the first grade students, I heard one of them call down the table to a friend, "WE GOT A SPORK!!" The awe and excitement were obvious. I chuckled to myself. It's funny what a child finds exciting. Simple thing can make children happy.

What simple things in our lives can make us happy? For a long time I thought Christmas was about what presents I got. When I got older and presents didn't make me happy, I had a few miserable Christmases. When I finally stopped expecting gifts, I enjoyed Christmas more. I would get my hopes up for some great presents and when I didn't get them, I felt a huge let down. My whole Christmas was built around my expectations of great gifts.

Finally I started to figure out that I would find happier times looking forward to the little things. Sitting in the living room with my family after dinner is one thing I flash on when thinking of Christmas. Mom working in the kitchen in her church clothes and house slippers. I smile when I think of being with my church family as Christmas Eve turns to Christmas morning. Time with friends and families make my holidays much more joyful.

Do you look at Christmas with jaded eyes and a closed heart or do you see it that it is as exciting as a spork?

MORE! again!?!

I've got a feeling that I'm supposed to be doing more. Like before I feel a dissatisfaction with the status quo. I'm struggling with feeling this huge jumpiness inside of me. When I sit in church, I know that we are not reaching people. Instead of trying to have a contemporary service we try to give a mixture of some praise music and some hymns.


God has put tremors on my heart that I need to start an alternative worship service. Can it be in/at MCC Lubbock? Our sanctuary feels so stale. Our fellowship hall is stark. I think this service could happen in our sanctuary. Should it be on Sunday night or Saturday afternoon (like Recovering the Promise)? Should it be Wednesday night? If Doorways, our young people's group, is going to only meet every other week, then we could have a service one Wednesday a month.

I can also envision a service at a coffee house. I can envision people noticing activity in the cafe and wandering in to see what's going on. I can also imagine people coming who wouldn't normally walk into a church. They wouldn't feel the pressure that they had to believe in anything to be welcomed in this service.

I believe that God has put these thoughts in my head because there are people in Lubbock who need MORE. So many GLBT people don't feel that they have a place at most churches in Lubbock. Probably many straight people have also experienced being on the outside.

What is going to happen? I don't know. I'm continuing to pray about what God wants from me and from MCC Lubbock.

The Dark Hole

For most of my life I was lost. I did not belong anywhere and felt unbearably out of place in the world. About eight years ago this feeling became even stronger as I began to explore my sexuality and in my isolation, I became severely depressed. My therapist encouraged me to develop a support system and suggested that I try Metropolitan Community Church (MCC) Lubbock.

I had qualms about going to a church because I did not consider myself a Christian and had no interest in becoming one. Although I had been raised by Christian parents who took me to Sunday school and church services, I did not understand God as a living being, but rather as stale stories told to keep me on the right side of obedience. My experience with “religious” people had me questioning what was factual. I heard about Jesus saying, “Love one another,” but I saw the people of my church not acting with love toward each other. I was told that God didn’t care what I wore or what I looked like, but I heard the leaders of my youth group complaining about the couple who came to church each week in the same dingy clothes. I saw the way none of the adults would talk to the African-American woman who came to a worship service. As I listened to the people around me, I perceived their actions and words to be those of God and I wasn’t impressed with the double standard I thought belonged to God.

To add to my childhood experiences, in college I lost a close friend. My friends before Chris were children of my parents’ friends or from my school. In contrast Chris was my first friend of choice and when she suffered a brain injury, she forgot me and our friendship. I could not understand why God would allow me to find this friend and then take her away from me. The culture of the private college I was attending kept saying that if I had enough faith, God would fix my problems. God didn’t and I didn’t feel like I was allowed to be angry at God. My disappointment added to my confusion about the double standard of God. Finally the only way that I could deal with my feelings was to stop believing that God existed or that God was of any use to me.

As an agnostic, I felt deep discomfort going to a church after more than a ten year absence. The first few times at MCC Lubbock I sat in the pew and did not sing, bow my head, or participate in any way. I could only sit and wait for these people to show me the same hateful, backstabbing God of my youth.

One Sunday, Rev. Renae preached about Elijah and how his experience on Mount Carmel left him feeling alone and lost. She said that even though Elijah felt alone, he was not because God was with him. Just as Elijah did not have to experience the ups and downs of life by himself, none of us had to be alone. We do not even have to ask because God is always there and shares our pain and loss with us.

At that moment I knew that God was actually giving me a message. Until this point, God was some callous being that floated in the clouds and had no link with me or my life. Suddenly I realized that even though I was in the deepest, darkest emotional hole, I was not alone and had never been alone. God had always been with me.

The climb out of my depression was time consuming and difficult. I believe that this moment was the turning point for me and it was all put into action by God. Several years after that first visit to MCC Lubbock, I began to understand how the Holy Spirit had put people in my life so that I could take that first step. God loved me and wanted what was best for me even when I had no clue that something bigger than me existed.

A part of my healing has been to realize that God, as my heavenly parent, loves me unconditionally. There is nothing I can do to make God love me more; and there is nothing I can do to make God stop loving me. Now that I have experienced unconditional love, I can allow others to love me and also extend love to them. I never really understood that my mom and dad loved me unconditionally until I was able to experience God’s love in this manner.

Filled with the Spirit

I was filling a glass with the last of the soda from a bottle. There was just a tiny bit left and I really wanted to fit it all into the glass. As it got closer and closer to the top, I was thinking, “Come on. Just a little bit more. I want it all now.” I suddenly had a thought of how overfilling a glass is how I sometimes feel about the Holy Spirit. What would happen if I as a person was being filled and I wanted it all?

In some ways I feel like I've been filled with all the wonderful things that God has given me. Is there more? What if I, like the glass, try to take more when I have already been filled? I realized that if I am filled and continue to accept more of God's grace and love, good things would overflow from me. Unlike a liquid when I overflow I don't make a mess. I actually share what I have in excess with the world.

I always have room for more understanding, more knowledge, more love, more God because when I have been filled I have extra to give. Much like warm fuzzies, hoarding what God has given me won't make all the blessings last longer. Hoarding will in fact make less of them and of me.